My Tapes: Season 9


#901 - The Projected Man

Summary:

A British scientist (played by the same fella who was the Great Vorelli in Devil Doll) invents something along the lines of a transporter. His funder, however, seems to want to sabotage the project and steal his work. The reason behind this is never really explained; all we know is he's being blackmailed for unknown reasons by a guy with huge eyebrows and a person we never see. Anyway, in an effort to make up for the sabotaged demonstration, he sends himself through the projector, gets all deformed, and can shock people to death. When his assistants think they have a way to cure him, he just turns the projector into a weapon and kills himself and a room. The end.

Favorite line:

Playing off the movie's line, "Pretty she may be," "An exhaust system she may need."

Leonard Maltin gives it: **

#902 - The Phantom Planet

Summary:

One of those 1950's sci-fi movies. An astronaut crash-lands on a planet where everyone is 6 inches tall. Due to some dubious science, he also becomes 6 inches tall. Anyway, after some alien politics and stuff, we learn that the planet is being terrorized by the Solarites, residents of the Sun's satellite (so... all the planets, then?) who look kind of like Goofy. They attack in flaming chunks of... something. The invasion gets repelled, but the one that they had kept prisoner for about 20 years or so (why?!) escapes, and pushes down an old guy. He's eventually defeated, the guy gets back into his space suit and inflates, and is rescued, keeping only a tiny rock as a rememberance of his adventure.

Favorite line:

"Honey bunches of DEATH!"

Leonard Maltin gives it: *1/2

#903 - The Puma Man

Summary:

Apparently, a young Londoner is the Puma Man, hero of the Aztecs (go figure). After being approached (and tossed out a window) by Vadegno, a huge Aztec, Tony Farms learns his father was a Puma Man, and reluctantly (and whinily) dons the mantle of the Puma Man. Rather than turning into a half-man/half-puma (which would have been cool), he dons a ridiculous costume and flies by the waistband of this underwear. Anyway, he defeats the evil Donald Pleasance with a lot of help from Vadegno, and we learn that the gods fly around in beach balls.

Favorite Line:

Over the Puma Man theme, stuff like, "The low fat yogurt, that's not short on flavor" and "When you want the flavor of bacon in a dip."

Leonard Maltin gives it: N/A

#904 - Werewolf

Summary:

A totally incopentent movie, in a level not seen since Manos: The Hands of Fate. Everybody in the movie has a funny accent, & the werewolves look like either bears, greasy guys, or apemen.

Favorite Line:

One of the host segments - Mike & the 'Bots do a 60's girl group song about a werewolf death scene, "Where, Oh Werewolf? I've looked everywhere-wolf..."

Leonard Maltin gives it: N/A

#905 - The Deadly Bees

Summary:

Another British movie. Pop star Vicky Robbins collapses from stress, so her doctor decides a bee farm is the best place for her to relax. People get killed by bees, and it's presumed her host is the responsible party. Turns out it's a jittery rival beekeeper. Go figure.

Favorite Line:

One whole scene struck me as very Monty Python for some reason...

Jittery guy: "I was then able to hypnotize these Deadly! Killer! Bees!"

...

Jittery guy: "I was then able to capture one or two. Three."

Tom Servo: "No four! FIVE!"

Leonard Maltin gives it: **

#906 - The Space Children, with the short, Century 21 Calling

Summary:

A jelly brain from space causes children to rebel against their depressed parents to destroy the nuclear weapon said parents were working on. Features both Russell "The Professor" Johnson and Jackie "Uncle Fester" Coogan. The short is about the Bell Telephone exhibit during the World's fair. Somewhat prescient, actually.

Favorite Line:

During the short, "Nice to know the future will have CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC!"

Leonard Maltin gives it: **

#907 - Hobgoblins

Summary:

The 80's. Truly a horrible decade. Fortunately I was quite young at the time, and missed most of what this movie covers. This movie is a candidate for "Worst Movie Ever." I have, however, adopted the Hobgoblins as mascots. Why? Why not?

Favorite Line:

Mike & the 'Bots replace themselves with carboard cutouts and a tape of the Hobgoblins song, "Hob-goblins, Hob-goblins, What do you do with Hob-goblins?"

Leonard Maltin gives it: N/A

#908 - The Touch of Satan

Summary:

Our hero-by-default Jody (a guy, incidentally) winds up on a walnut ranch with 120-something Melissa (she looks younger, though) and 120-something Lucinda (who looks about 1,000 years older). There's also two people pretending to be Melissa's parents, though we never find out who they are. Anyway, Lucinda kills some people, Jody falls in love with Melissa, and some deals are made with Satan. "Amazing Grace" is sung about six times.

Favorite Line:

When the farmer at the beginning gets pitchforked in the neck, Tom declares during the freeze-frame, "When sore throat pain strikes!"

Leonard Maltin gives it: N/A

#909 - Gorgo

Summary:

It's sort of a Godzilla-goes-to-England thing. Alhough Gorgo looks kinda like Dragonite from Pokèmon. Anyway, lil' Gorgo (who's pretty big) gets caught and taken to Dorkin's circus (hee, hee... Dorkin....). Mama (or maybe Papa) Gorgo is really huge and comes for her/his baby. There's also some little kid involved.

Favorite Line:

"It's the rare Isoceles-eared underwater dragon!"

Leonard Maltin gives it: ***

#910 - The Final Sacrifice

Summary:

A Canadian film featuring a character named "Zap Rowsdower." If that wasn't bad enough, there's a geeky kid being hunted by a cult of El Santo clones with machetes. It all goes even further downhill when they run into a bearded hermit who talks like Rolf the dog.

Favorite Line:

The head evil guy stands on a hill in his nice coat, holding his cane thing, and Mike comes out with, "Hand me my top hat!"

Leonard Maltin gives it: N/A

#911 - Devil Fish

Summary:

The Devil Fish eats a bunch of Italians. Though it's really not a fish, more of a Sharktopus. Though it reminds me of the Dopefish for some reason. Anyway, there's a plot involving the conspiracy to create the aforementioned Devil Fish, and some guy with a really huge face, and some other stuff, too. But it's a bad movie, so I really don't care that much.

Favorite Line:

On a shot of their monitor, a huge blob appears and starts haeding towards the ship. Crow wonders, "Is he bringing them a piano?"

Leonard Maltin gives it: N/A

#912 - The Screaming Skull, with the short, Robot Rumpus

Summary:

Ignore the movie. It's really not that good. The highlight of this episode is the short, an episode of Gumby! Yes, the little green guy! Man, that is disturbing.

Favorite Line:

As the robot paints the title of the short, "Robot Rump?"

Leonard Maltin gives it: N/A

#913 - Quest of the Delta Knights

Summary:

Not since Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell... 'Nuff said.

Favorite Line:

Anything they said during the pee-throwing scene. Yes, there is a pee-throwing scene.

Leonard Maltin gives it: N/A


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