#801 - Revenge of the Creature
Summary:
The Sci-Fi premiere episode, and done pretty darned well! The movie is the unneeded sequel to The Creature from the Black Lagoon. They capture the creature (aka The Gill Man) and take him to an aquarium to study him. He busts out, kills two guys, and gets shot. The end.
Favorite line:
When fish swim into the camera's range, and they add comments, like, "Hi, I'm the rare blue- oh, you're looking at the gill man."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
The world's most troubled marraige, the Granny Clampett clones, the misshapen pineal ring, no leeches whatsoever, and a psycho woman who also starred in Girls' Town all serve to make the movie suck more than one could expect. On the other hand, they've got some great comments, so it's worth it.
Favorite line:
Leonard Maltin gives it: 
Summary:
John Agar, Hugh Beaumont, and the guy who was Alfred the butler on Batman star in this horrid little film. John, Hugh, a couple of archaeologists who die real fast, and the Load (another archaeologist who lives a bit longer) discover a bunch of Sumerians under the Himalayas somewhere. Surprisingly, they all speak English, and don't look at all Mongoloid. Anyhoo, they're all real pale, and have a race of mole people as slaves. John & Hugh lead a Mole Rebellion, overthrow the evil pale dictatorship, escape with the one mellaninized member of this society, but she dies. Rather a putrid film.
Favorite Line:
During shots of Mole Men in their holes, "Earth's pores need cleansing. Deep cleansing."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
One of those "who would pay to make this stinkburger?" movies. See, because of volcanic activity on Dot, an island in the Atlantic somewhere, a giant mantis thaws out and kills people. The Pentagon, completely baffled, calls in a paleantologist. He solves everything. They kill the big bug in one of those tunnels in New York City.
Favorite Line:
As the woman rebuffs the Colonel's advances, "But I've got a mantis in my pantis..."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#805 - The Thing That Couldn't Die
Summary:
Where to begin... Okay, there's this girl, see. She can find stuff (water, watches, rings, etc.). Her aunt is a jerk. Other supprting cast includes the peeping cowboy and big dumb guy (both employed on the aunt's ranch), and the three guests, science-boy, lady, and art guy. They do very little. Anyway, the dumb guy digs up a chest that's in a place that the girl thinks has water but it's really not water. Turns out it's a head. A living head. It can enslave people. Eventually, it gets it's body back, menaces people for, oh, ten seconds, then dies.
Favorite line:
The head's mouth starts moving, and Crow intones, "Womp bop a-loo bop... a whomp... bam... boom..."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
The first Roger Corman movie they did for Sci-Fi. Unless you count The Day the World Ended, from MST3K: The Home Game. I had, like, 8 comments up! Yaaaay! Anyway, the movie sucks. It's got Billy Barty as a rather disturbing imp, the lamest Satan this side of Pitch (from Santa Claus), and some other stuff. Wierd time travel is somehow involved.
Favorite Line:
About the odd flying things the witch and the imp turn into: "It's beautiful when the tortillas come back to Capistrano." "Flying placemats!" "Flying... veal cutlets."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#807 - Terror from the Year 5000
Summary:
This one is really, really dumb. Yes, I've said it before, but this one is really, really, really dumb. Two guys invent a time machine, and people in the future are mutated, and one of 'em comes back to our time and kills a few people, and there's a cat thing, and a radioactive statue, and the clock constantly shows 2:50, and there's Jimmy Carter, and a narrator for the first two minutes or so, who proudly proclaims, "Terror! From the year five thousand!" It hurts.
Favorite Line:
As the movie continues to drag on, Mike impersonates the narrator with, "Can't you just feel the Terror from the year 5000?!?!?"
Leonard Maltin gives it: 
Summary:
Dr. Carlo Lombardi, oily hypnotist, puts a woman into a deep trance and brings back... THE SHE CREATURE! It's a wierd cross between the Creature from the Black Lagoon and some kind of bug. Not only does it kill people, but it can turn into a cloud thing. This is back when the country was in that past life regression frenzy, but this makes the whole thing seem even sillier.
Favorite Line:
Going on about Lombardi's carnival act, Crow chimes in with, "See him perform live with his band, Funkasaurus!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#809- I Was a Teenage Werewolf
Summary:
Stars Michael Landon, who would later go on to Bonanza. He plays a rather disturbed high school student who starts seeing a mad psychiatrist after he blows up at a party. Via injections of some made-up stuff and hypnosis, he turns into a werewolf (apparently when he hears a bell, but that wasn't explained very well). After being chased by some old guys through the woods, he visits the psychaitrist (and still hasn't figured out the guy is evil!) and kills him, before the police bust im and shoot him. Happy.
Favorite Line:
During the forset chase, shots of the aforementioned old guys missing the werewolf play. As each walks buy, they let loose comments like "Dagnabbit!" "Son of a biscuit!" "H-E-Double-hockey-sticks!" and so on.
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
Bill Rebane, the man who brought us Monster A Go-Go, decides to inflict his evil upon the world. Despite having Alan Hale (the skipper) in it, the movie consists of truly unlikable characters and badly lit sets. Doesn't even live up to it's title - there's one giant spider (a Volkswagen with fur and legs - has maybe ten minutes of screen time) and a bunch of little ones. In the end, almost everyone we hate dies, except the doughy NASA (everyone pronounces it 'Nassau') scientist and the lady scientist he starts calling "Honey." Filmed entirely in Wisconsin.
Favorite Line:
"Packers!!!!"
Leonard Maltin gives it: 
#811- Parts: the Clonus Horror
Summary:
The old evil-guys-make-clones-to-use-as-parts story. All the clones seem really stupid for some reason. Anyway, one particularly unlikable clone meets a girl clone with a really little nose. He escapes after suspecting something was wrong with the place, and meets his "original." Turns out the real guy knew nothing about the clone thing, it was his evil brother, Peter Graves. After some fighting, he and his son die, the clone gets frozen and bagged, the girl gets lobotomized, and Clonus is exposed by a beta video tape.
Favorite Line:
Darrin #2 and some short, round guy are using their high-tech computer stuff, and Mike says, "Dr. Darrin, and Dr. Super Mario Brother."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#812 - The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
Summary:
Ummm... plot. Hmmm.... let's see... None. None at all. Sure, some stuff happens, but it doesn't seem to lead anywhere. Ray Dennis Steckler stars and directs in this little turd. May have the first spinning hypnosis wheel in a movie.
Favorite Line:
Just about everything during the hypnosis scene.
Leonard Maltin gives it: (!)
Summary:
Another one of those strange Russo-Finnish co-productions. This one features (albeit halfway through the movie) Jack Frost. He a rather Santa-like fellow, with a magic frost-spreading scepter that he wields like a tommy gun, an equally magic sleigh that he parks underground and can do at least 90mph with no horses, and seems to be independently wealthy, judging by his wedding gifts. Anyway, here's a knd of Cinderella-ish plot involved, and a witch that is probably Baba Yaga, and Father Mushroom, and a guy with the head of a bear. Strange, strange stuff.
Favorite Line:
The comments as Father Mushroom makes his first appearances - "Try me on a Plaza Burger," "I always pick that guy off my pizza..."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
Two episodes of some bad TV series welded together (not the first time it's happened). There's this secret agent guy, see? And he can turn invisible by pushing a button on his watch! And first, he stops this embezzling scientist by driving a truck with some exploding stuff in it! Then he drives a car with exploding stuff in it! Things explode! Exciting!
Favorite Line:
The bad guy shouts, "It can't be..... you're dead!", and after the agent turns invisible, Crow says, "It can't be..... you're invisible!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
One of many bad 60's spy movies that they've had to watch. This one has the spy, Adam Chance, trying to protect a defected scientist (who dies anyway), and his niece (who turns out to be evil), and try to catch the bad guys (he kills all of them). Unfortunately, Adam himself does not die.
Favorite Line:
As he's choking the bad guy (who happens to be driving the van they're both in - not a smart idea!), he keeps saying "DRIVE!" in this weird gravelly voice. Tom follows up in the same voice with, "Drive - while I do my grizzly bear impression!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
An odd Japanese movie. Features the Prince of Space (as implied by the title), a vaguely hero-like person. He dresses rather strangely, and has an equally strange spaceship. Of course, he fights the villains (the invasion force from planet Krankor and their leader), who dress at least as strange. Every once in a while, you catch a glimpse of something that would later evolve into anime. No, really! It's rather disturbing.
Favorite Line:
"We've filled our pants, SIR!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
Radioactive waste, seemingly put in the cheapest containers they could find, leaks on some skeletons and turns them into strange creatures. Imagine the Creature from the Black Lagoon, with the head fin from the Savage Dragon, Big Bird's feathers, Cookie Monster's eyes, a big neck (you can see the guy's head sticking out sometimes), and a mouth full of pickles. Oh, and they're occasionally filmed in fast motion. Anyway, they kill people and stuff, before being defeated by Sodium, in it's one starring role.
Favorite Line:
As the herd of creatures charges towards the camera (walking rather like monkeys in fast motion), they start yelling (in little kid voices), "Ice cream! The ice cream truck! I love ice cream!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
An evil hypnotist/ventriloquist has placed the soul of his former assistant into a dummy. A reporter-type person tracks down the truth, while losing his girlfriend to the hypnotist. Eventually the dummy fights back (it's a wierd scene), and puts his soul into the hypnotist, and the hypnotist into the dummy. It's all a very dark, strange movie. Features a woman whose butt hangs out of her costume.
Favorite Line:
I just like the way they kept going on about the ham thing.
Leonard Maltin gives it: (!!!!!!!!)
#819 - Invasion of the Neptune Men
Summary:
Another Japanese movie with kids in little shorts. This one has a whole lot in common with Prince of Space, with the following differences:
Favorite Line:
"They blew up the Hitler Building!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
A spaceship comprised of the exterior of a Battlestar Galactica model (really!) and the interior of a warehouse is the setting of this little turd. The whole thing screams "80's!" There's a buff hero who yells a lot, and a villiain, and some other stuff, too. Unfortunately, the floor waxer things are too damn distracting to interpret anything else. Oh, and in a major editing goof, a character who gets killed is alive in the NEXT SCENE.
Favorite Line:
While the Zamboni chase is in full swing, "Hit the sirens!" - followed by circus music.
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
In this movie, we learn a light airplane equipped with a Commodore 64 can travel through time. 'Nuff said.
Favorite Line:
While the rather beepy alarm is giong off, "Oh great, now the garbage truck's backing up!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#822 - Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
Summary:
Okay, short description. Raul Julia (yes, THAT Raul Julia) is in it. That doesn't save it. And, it was made by the New York public TV station, WNET/13. As I grew up watching Sesame Street and such on that same station, I can't help but feel somehow responsible.
Favorite Line:
"TV's Frank!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
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