Summary:
It's a star-studded movie about something of a reform school run by nuns, and somebody who was accused of murder when she didn't, and it was really her sister, and she had a darned good reason. Way too much of Paul Anka. The episode is a great one for Mike, though.
Favorite Line:
"Gigaaaaaaaaantor..."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#602 - Invasion U.S.A., with the short, A Date With Your Family
Summary:
Propaganda for giving all your money to the government for defense. The soviets (presumably) take over with their nukes, and it's all because we were completely unprepared. Turns out the whole movie was a delusion caused by a hypnotist. Oh, there's also a Chuck Norris movie by the same name, but this isn't it. The short is how to live your life like a 50's sitcom family.
Favorite Line:
As the opening introductions are happening, "He's a dacquri swilling tractor manufacturer."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
Adam West and Tia Carerre star in this Canadian thing. A big guy is killed trying to save a girl, then years later his son is killed by some jerks, and the girl he saved was a voodoo woman, so the kid is brought back as a zombie to kill the jerks. Features a gross buffalo shot.
Favorite Line:
Tia tries to hide from the zombie, and Crow points out that, "She's hiding behind a window!"
Leonard Maltin gives it: 
Summary:
One of those movies that would be funny anyway. A carpet monster goes around eating people. The people assist him by crawling inside. Nobody thinks to run away, however. Very little dialogue. Instead, people's mouths move, and a narrator talks. The narrator has a tendency to go off on a tangent, watch out.
Favorite line:
As a guy bashes a computer with his gun, "Another frustrated IBM PC user."
Leonard Maltin gives it: 
#607 - Bloodlust!, with the short, Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm
Summary:
It's kinda like The Most Dangerous Game, but four teenagers are the hunted. It really bites. The short seems to be an excuse for having a dairy industry, or something. Dark, dark stuff.
Favorite Line:
The pirate names Mike and the 'bots make up for the henchmen.
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#609 - The Skydivers, with the short, Why Study Industrial Arts?
Summary:
Coleman Francis, again. I think it's a drama of some sort. It has a bit of skydiving, some cheating spouses, a murder plot (the only plot this movie has), and a dance party of really bizarre characters. The short is probably better made than the movie. A geeky kid tells his friend why he should be studying industrial arts. The changing scene will haunt you forever.
Favorite line:
All the comments at the beginning while the geek is working in shop class. They all kind of melded together, 'cause I was laughing a whole bunch.
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
Bob Dornan (the congressman) stars in this piece of crap. Seems to be something about the Air Force (the planes they use actually exist, probably so they could use stock footage). More nothing in this movie than just about every other one they've seen. People learn to fly. That's it. Whenever it looks like something may happen, it doesn't. The kind of movie they show in High Schools.
Favorite Line:
The guy in charge explains the plane to the new guys, and there's a sudden cut to a shot of a plane flying really fast. Mike says, "I'll take you there, quickly!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#613 - The Sinister Urge, with the short, Keeping Clean and Neat
Summary:
An Ed Wood movie about the porn industry. Seems to be an excuse to show women in odd outfits. The short is yet another hygiene thing. It follows the course of two kids, a boy and a girl, as they spend several hours grooming.
Favorite Line:
As they build to the head villain making yet another one of her appearances, "Wonder what kind of weird-ass getup she's got on this time?!?"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
Ann Margaret stars. She escapes from prison and blackmails some guy. Her and her friends force him to go to Mexico and stuff. She appears to be completely nuts throughout the whole thing, and it also seems like the writers tried to make up slang, as in, "This is so creamy!"
Favorite Line:
A close up on a stuffed animal that looks pants-wettingly nervous held by Ann Margaret, and Crow says, "Must... remain... calm!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#616 - Racket Girls, with the short, Are You Ready for Marraige?
Summary:
A movie about women's wrestling, and it's ties to crime. That's about it. The short has a priest (I think) using some made-up charts and visual aids to show two youngsters that they shouldn't get married... yet.
Favorite Line:
From one of the host sequences, Mike flings a rubber band, the Mads yell, "It's gone!" (like the short), then Frank yells, "He's a sorcerer!!!!!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#617 - The Sword and the Dragon
Summary:
A Finnish film about a hero vs. The Mongol Horde. Probably more extras then I have EVER seen in a movie. All kinds of bizarre things happen. Probably made sense to the Finnish, but I have absolutely no idea what's going on.
Favorite Line:
"Ah, the golden age of makin' stuff up."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#618 - High School Big Shot, with the short, Out of this World
Summary:
A kid nobody likes ('cause he's smart, and his classmates are dumb) is used by a popular girl. She goes out with him, so he can write her term paper. He gets all obsessed with her and wants to marry her. She just wants money. After he writes her term paper, he gets caught and loses his ability to go to college. He plans to steal a million bucks, so he can get the girl. The girl gets her boyfriend to go after him and the money. Everybody involved in the caper winds up shot. Oh, and the kid's dad hangs himself at some point. Ths short has an angel and a devil battling over the soul of a bread delivery guy.
Favorite Line:
When Servo won't stop singing, Mike tosses him across the theater. Not a line, but funny.
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
A plethora of toy vehicles are used in this odd European spy film. A scientist invents a death ray for "peaceful purposes," only. It gets stolen, and doesn't appear again until the end. Meanwhile, secret agent Bart Fargo tracks down the death ray, but doesn't do very much. He fights a guy in an Abe Lincoln disguise, and sleeps with a couple of women, but that's about it. The "bop-a-dop-a-dah-dah" music will be stuck in your head forever.
Favorite line:
"Don't go out there! You'll become a toy!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#621 - The Beast of Yucca Flats, with the shorts, Money Talks! and Progress Island, USA
Summary:
Coleman Francis. Owie, owie, owie. He's at least as painful as Corman, if not more so. Almost nobody talks on camera. The plot is totally non-existent. There are many, many scenes where nothing really happens. However, the riffing is top notch, so it's worth watching. Trust me. As to the shorts... Money Talks! has the portly ghost of Ben Franklin teaching a kid how to budget. The other one is an ad for companies to move to Puerto Rico. Neither is very convincing.
Favorite Line:
As Tor Johnson as the Beast stands with his mouth open, "I swallowed a bug!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
One of those second-rate star studded ones. Features Jack Palance, Peter Lawford, the Skipper, Mr. Howell, and Mr. Haney. Wow! The movie is pure 70's, and a rip-off of Charlie's Angels. One of the best I've seen. Episodes, not movies.
Favorite Line:
When Jack is driving, and they sing, in the Jack Palance voice, "How will I make it... on my own...."
Leonard Maltin gives it:
#623 - The Amazing Transparent Man, with the short, The Days of Our Years
Summary:
A guy kidnaps a scientist who has a ray to make stuff invisible. He makes a guinea pig invisible as an example to a crook he hires to steal stuff. The crook gets turned invisible, but decides to steal stuff for him instead of his boss. At the end, most people die, except the scientist and his daughter, when a nuclear explosion goes off in Texas.
Favorite line:
"People will think there's not a guinea pig in the room, when actually, there is! Hahahahahahaahah!!!!"
Leonard Maltin gives it:
Summary:
Mexican wrestler El Santo is Samson. He fights some vampires. Most of the vampires are women, though they do have three undead thugs. They're trying to kidnap a scientist's daughter, as she's supposed to become the vampire queen. Or something. He wrestles people to death. This episode is the last one with TV's Frank, who is assumed into Second Banana Heaven by the angel Torgo.
Favorite Line:
When Samson walks in in his costume, and Crow bursts into laughter. That's the only possible response to a ridiculous scene.
Leonard Maltin gives it:
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