Hi again, folks. Due to the recent onset of finals, we're deep into some massive silliness. I've organized a mass MiSTing to follow this, a horrid little (big, actually) Star Trek/Star Wars crossover. In the meantime, Ben and I have once more journeyed into the depths of Usenet to bring you this. Enjoy! (Twaaaang!) O..2..3..4..5..6.. [SOL] (Nobody's in sight. Assorted clanking and tool noises off to the right. Cambot pans over & down. Tom can be seen looking out of the "manhole" from "The Brain that Wouldn't Die.") TOM: Hi, everybody, and welcome to the SOL. We're just performing some maintainence here. (Tom ducks down, Crow pops up.) CROW: Yeah, it's amazing how much stuff needs fixing! We're lucky nothing's fallen off yet. (Crow ducks back down. Voices come from down in the hole, with reverb.) MIKE: Okay, you guys. That takes care of the oxygen recycler. TOM: Good thing, too. We've been running on the backup for days now. CROW: That explains the stink. MIKE: Hey! CROW: Sorry, Mike. What's next on the list? MIKE: Ummm... Magnetic locks. CROW: Right. I'll go get started on that. (Sounds of walking away.) TOM: We have magnetic locks? MIKE: According to the manual, we've got magnetic locks holding a bunch of stuff onto the ship. TOM: And *Crow* just went to fix this? MIKE: Uh, oh. Crow! CROW: What? (Suddenly, lights flicker, electrical sounds, a bright light shines from the hole.) YOWWWWW!!!! (Smoke rises from hole.) MIKE: (Pops out of hole.) Cambot! Get me Rocket #9! (Cut to SOL exterior. It looks a mite bare, parts float a short distance away. You can see the strings.) TOM: Okay, I think I got it fixed now. (Bright flash, then the parts are all stuck to the SOL again, in the wrong places. Cut back to interior.) MIKE: The locks are back, but we're gonna have to go out there and fix this. (Commercial Sign light flashes.) A bit later. (He reaches down, grabs a bolt, and tosses it up at the command table.) [SOL] (Regular scene. Crow looks a bit scorched. Gypsy is on the left, with an icebag on her head.) MIKE: Okay, Crow. Say you're sorry. CROW: Sorry, Gypsy. How was I supposed to know this would give you a headache? TOM: Well, she is connected to the higher functions of ths ship, doofus. CROW: I said I was sorry. MIKE: Well, you two, somebody's gonna have to go out there and fix this. (Mads light flashes.) Great. Now Doctor Mung-Mung and Tung-Tung are calling. GYPSY: Don't worry, Mike. I'll fix it. (Exits left.) MIKE: We gotta do something nice for her later. (Pushes Mads button.) [D13] (The easy chairs/TV setup. Dr. F is here, Frank's chair is empty.) DR F: Ah, Mike. I'd reprimand you for damaging the ship, but I'm just too comfy. Did you hear that, Frank? I'm coooomfyyyyy.... FRANK: (Off camera) No! It's a trick! DR F: Look, Frank! Baywatch is on! FRANK: Stop! You can't fool me! I saw you messing with my chair! DR F: Don't be silly, Frank. I've got a big bowl of popcorn! FRANK: Must... not... give in.... DR F: It's all buuuuutteryyyyy.... FRANK: AAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! (Frank dashes in, snags the popcorn from between the chairs, and sits down. Almost immediately, the chair begins vibrating uncontrollably. Popcorn flies everywhere, and Frank is thrown from the chair.) Ow! DR F: You see, Mike, I've combined two popular trends. The vibrating massage chair, and the vibrating Tickle Me Elmo to create: the Sit On Me Chair! When you sit on it, it vibrates completely out of control, and the user is tossed out, much as Frank just was. Isn't that right, Frank? FRANK: Owie, owie, owie. [SOL] MIKE: What a coincindence! I just refitted the 'bots with Elmo circuits. CROW: You did? TOM: When? MIKE: When you were sleeping. CROW: Darnit, I gotta get a lock on my door! MIKE: Anyway, here it goes... (Reaches over to Tom and touched him just above the "engine." He starts bouncing.) TOM: Whoooooooaaaaaa..... (Falls right off the table.) MIKE: And Crow... (Touches him on the shoulder Crow shakes, his web & eyes fly off. He falls over.) TOM: (From floor) What was the point of that, Mike? MIKE: Nothing, it was just fun. CROW: Well, we equipped your shoes with the same thing. MIKE: You did? TOM: Just watch. (Mike starts bouncing, then falls over.) MIKE: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll fix you. CROW: You'd better! Or we'll Elmoize your furniture or something. [D13] (Frank is still collapsed in a heap on the right.) DR F: It seems that the Tickle Me Elmo is just as evil as anything I've ever made. Maybe I should go into toy design. Anyway, here's today's experiment. It's a fetid little turd about aliens controlling people. There's also another mind control short. I bid you hurting. [SOL] ALL: We've got Usenet siiiign!!! (They vibrate off the screen.) >From alex@directnet.com Thu Nov 14 14:22:30 1996 >Date: 14 Nov 96 03:51:49 GMT (Everybody vibrates into the theater. Mike stops when he sits. He pokes the 'bots, and they stop.) >From: Alex Constantine >Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy TOM: (resigned) of course... >Subject: Ultrasonic Mind Control CROW: Psionics in F-14s! Paranoia breaks the sound barrier! >Ultrasonic Mind Control MIKE: Yeah, we got that, don't rub it in. >In 1977, after the Watergate break-in, it surfaced in the Select >Intelligence Subcommittee investigation that the CIA was illegally spying TOM: And this is new news? MIKE: Let him at least get started, Tom. >and conducting field mind control experiments on unwitting subjects. CROW: Is that like witless? Was this guy put under mind control? TOM: Don't give him ideas. The >project was code-named MKULTRA. MIKE: The next Mortal Kombat! TOM: Or maybe it's short for multiculturalist? The extreme left rides again! > The organic mysteries of the mind were >decoded by CIA scientists with illegal mind-enhancement drugs, electronic >hypnosis, CROW: Video games? > sleep deprivation, MIKE: Coffee? > subliminal suggestions over controlled radio >and television stations, CROW: Commericals? > direct microwave communication to the auditory >pathways, TOM: Radio? > the remote transmission of images, MIKE: Television? > and electronic manipulation >of emotions. ALL: All of the above?!?!?!? TOM: He's right! We're all being controlled by the government through entertainment! MIKE: Why am I now in a Ray Bradbury book? > There are subliminal [a word used here not in the traditional sense of CROW: Unperceiveable by the conscious mind. TOM: But rather in a sense that were just now making up... >instantaneous visual programming, but unconscious EM input to the brain] >and brainwashing techniques by which the subconscious of the individual is >invaded and his thoughts or personality influenced without his consent. MIKE: But when he gives his consent, then it's psychoanalysis. CROW: Yeah, I think this guy just described treatment for a schizophrenic. >These influences can be smuggled in past the customs of the senses. TOM: Hey, are those things influences in your pockets, Mister Commercial? CROW: No, (let) they (me) are (through) not, sir. TOM: Very well. >Methods of which I am aware include ultrasonic waves. MIKE: This is because of the canine in my genetic history, don't ask. > These are inaudible >to the conscious sense, like the ^Ìsilent¹ dog­whistle. Similarly CROW: HEY! Is he trying to sneak past subliminal control characters? TOM: No (yes). >subliminal messages can be concealed in films or television programs. Of >course, such means are banned, but anyone sufficiently ingenious, or some TOM: Wacko. CROW: Nutbag. MIKE: Paranoid psychopath. >central authority ALL: Same thing. > seeking to indoctrinate could succeed. CROW: Whenever they use that word I think they're talking about med school. MIKE: Succeed? CROW: Indoctrinate. > Experiments have also demonstrated that it is possible to hypnotize >persons with television and radio. TOM: And really wacked out posts. CROW: Like (send) this (him) guy (money) could (in) do (tens) anything (and) like (twenties) that. MIKE: I feel a sudden urge to send him money. > ^Ë Surveillance Technology TOM: He's doing it again! > U.S. Senate Hearing CROW: That was from a Sentate hearing? What am I paying taxes for? TOM: You don't pay taxes, Crow. CROW: Thank God! Now it makes more sense that people be mad at the government all the time. MIKE: Thank God that's over... O..2..3..4..5..6.. [SOL] (The guys look like they're cooking something. It's incredibly messy. Mike is using a wisk in a bowl of pink stuff, Crow is holding a cookbook, Tom is just kind of standing there. All have chef's hats.) MIKE: Okay, it looks smooth. TOM: You sure? It doesn't look so smooth. MIKE: Well, by batter standards, it's smooth. CROW: I don't know... MIKE: Look, all the lumps are gone, and everything is mixed. TOM: But it's still all textured and stuff. MIKE: That's because it's batter! CROW: I've got an idea, Mike. (Mike leans over, Crow whispers to him.) MIKE: Good idea! (He takes off Tom's hat and the cover of his "globe." He pours the batter in, and puts the cover back.) TOM: Hey, what're you... (Mike touches Tom again. He starts bouncing again.) Whoooooooaaaaaaaa..... CROW: See? In a matter of seconds, it'll be totally smooth. (Gypsy walks in.) GYPSY: Okay, everything's back to normal. MIKE: Relatively speaking. GYPSY: What are you guys doing? CROW: Well, we appreciate what you do, and never really tell you. MIKE: So, we're baking you this cake! Tom's just mixing the batter... (Suddenly, Tom starts shaking even more uncontrollably. Batter flies everywhere. Everybody starts yelling, trying to escape the storm of pink. They collapse in a big heap. Voices come from the floor.) TOM: Good one, Mike. MIKE: It was Crow's idea! GYPSY: Well, it was a nice thought. I'll just clean this up... (Commercial sign light flashes) MIKE: No, Crow's gonna clean this up. CROW: Awww... MIKE: Look, we've got commercial sign. You've got time. (Pushes button) >From density4@cts.com Sun Nov 24 01:28:44 1996 CROW: So, is that a typo, or is he just dense? >Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1996 02:46:22 GMT >From: Blue Resonant Human TOM: He's part of Blue Man Group, isn't he? CROW: Density Four, the new Blues sound. >Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors, alt.paranet.abduct, alt.magick, > alt.magick.tyagi, alt.mindcontrol, talk.religion.misc MIKE: That's a fairly random sampling of oddball newsgroups. TOM: An idiot with many neuroses, I see. >Subject: ::: The Mother of Thoth ::: CROW: How does the ice planet from "The Empire Strikes Back" have a mother? TOM: Perhaps it was Soth, and he just had marbles in his mouth? CROW: But why would he then write "Thoth?" TOM: Perhaps he was *dictating*... MIKE: Stop with the bad Python schtick... > >Brethren, MIKE: And Sisteren. > >We are pleased to present you now TOM: The Microsoft Windows 95 Product Team! > with another chapter in the >continuing saga of Sister Winifred who hath given birth to the >extraterrestrial magickal childe Thoth and hath received many >an Holy Illumination CROW: From the Holy Flashlight. > from her respective "Guardian Angel(s)." TOM: So, he's writing it, but doesn't know how many there are? CROW: If you're gonna post looniness, at least get your numbers straight. MIKE: Perhaps the number of Angels is a variable amount. > >For those in the magickal camps, feel free to strip off CROW: ...your pants... > the >veils of ostensible science-fiction and drink deeply of the >remaining occult essence as in the following quote: MIKE: "Bite me, you raving lunatic?" CROW: "I have no pants on?" TOM: "Fnord?" CROW: Tom, did you say something? > > "There are many more of us who have been stripped of our CROW: ...pants... MIKE: I sense a running theme, here. > flesh- > and-blood kinship connections and locked into the ETI TOM: The what? CROW: I think it was supposed to say, "YETI," but he forgot the "Y." > system > of the 'Mighty Ones' MIKE: (Tick voice) I... AM... MIGHTY!!!! > which makes us 'Walk-ins' TOM: So, they give us thrity bucks and a free lunch? MIKE: No, he's a closet. Perhaps this is a *ahem* preference thing... > or 'Superbeings.' CROW: At least he's politically correct. > It means we have 20/20 vision of the reality both above and > below the abyss." MIKE: The director's cut? > [...] TOM: Meanwhile... > "After the operation we watched the whole scenery around us > being torn down like a ragged canvas. CROW: So, life is a matte painting? TOM: It was then we realized that we had been duped by a clever stage set. > The colours behind the > canvass were brilliant. We understood that it is only the > light energy of the real world shining through the web of > matter that makes the holograph on our mirror world of the > illusion tick." MIKE: The Illusion Tick? Is that the new action figure? > [...] TOM: Do ellipsises deserve their own brackets? > "In return, Winifred has been in an advanced interdimensional > classroom wherein she received the full and complete knowledge > of The Gods." MIKE: Well, it certainly wasn't in public school. TOM: Hey, did you guys ever see Scanners? > >For those conspiracists in the bunch, the following should end >up ringing your chimes nicely: CROW: Saaaayyyyyyy..... > > "Earth Governments have maintained silence about this matter TOM: It's all mind over matter. CROW: What is mind? Doesn't matter. What is matter? Never mind. > though they knew full well what was going on. They agreed to > let us be used in a potentially diabolical experiment in return MIKE: They *wanted* to be used in a potentially diabolical experiment? > for hi-tec data. However, the 'Time Bomb' is about to explode > and the story is due to climax MIKE: Don't say anything. CROW: Not a word. > ...Yes, there is a Cosmic > Conspiracy - yes, there has been a deliberate conspiracy of > silence on the part of global governments everywhere." MIKE: Yes, I am a nutbag. TOM: Yes, *YOU* can get this commemorative plate for three easy payments of $39.99!!! > >For those in the mindcontrol camps, the following excerpts may be >of particular interest: MIKE: Only if you're being mindcontrolled to think that. TOM: If they're in mind control camps, how are they going to get this post? > "Against my will, and without any anaesthetic, I had a mind > reversal CROW: A mind reversal? What the hell is that? MIKE: I think it's like that transporter scene from "Spaceballs." CROW: Ohhh. > on a UFO...My will to resist was completely paralysed." TOM: As are the minds of those reading this post. > [...] > "I could sense this man was trying to override my free will. CROW: (Scotty) Ach, the free will is jammed! I've got te override! > At first I firmly resisted. Then they changed my electro-magnetic > circuit from Alternating to Direct Current MIKE: What, is she a robot? TOM & CROW: *ahem.* MIKE: Sorry. > ...I was powerless to > escape over a fifteen-year period. If I struggled they prodded > my neurons here and there with electrical sticks...." TOM: Causing me to spasm and struggle involuntarily; it was a vicious cycle. CROW: Some people would probably enjoy that. MIKE: I'm not gonna ask. > [...] > "Each had been given a silent mission. TOM: If it was silent, how did they know what it was? CROW: Sign language. > Each brain had been joined > to an ancient personality. Each one was under total mind control > and forced to keep the intruding ancient soul a secret." TOM: Then how did we find out about it? > [...] MIKE: I think I've had enough of these "[...]"'s. TOM: Maybe it's ASCII art of a flatcar. > "About now I realized something else. CROW: This post was really stupid. > 'I' was neither of these > two. I was an observer watching two actors using my mind. MIKE: How dare they use her mind! TOM: Well, it's fairly obvious she isn't using it. > I > watched them interacting, arguing points of logic, as they began > to make an harmonic convergence in my mind." CROW: Hey, keep your convergences to your own minds! > [...] > "Today, if I speak a word that is not the Triple Truth, MIKE: Ummm... Death, taxes, and... ummm... CROW: Stupid posts form America Online users? MIKE: Hey, they're not *all* bad. > I feel > a tremendous weight on my heart and mind. TOM: It could be that car parked on your upper half. > I get rewarded with MIKE: A cookie. > an inrush of light energy when I please 'The Master's Will'." CROW: ThE MAsTer wOUlD APpprOvE oF LiGHT enErGY. TOM: Stop it! That freaks me out! > >Those with psychological or sociological perspectives MIKE: Meaning... EVERYBODY?? CROW: Perhaps he meant those with psycho or sociopathic perspectives. > may wish >to examine the outcome of long term metaprogramming and Pavlovian >conditioning on the matrix of beliefs and ideologies of this >forerunner of things to come whilst those in the "UFO" community >will, of course, take the entire missive at face value. TOM: They will? Boy, those guys must be gullible! MIKE: I think the UFOlogists were just insulted. Popcorn? TOM: Please. > >That being said, we now introduce this report from Sister Winifred. CROW: Wait, that was just... (sounding crushed) an introduction? ALL: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! > > > Publisher: Anthony Hawke MIKE: Skreee! Skreeee!!! CROW: Ethan Hawke's warped little brother. > Editor: Shirley Knight Morris > Designer: Gerard Williams > Compositor: Robin Brass Studio > Printer: Best Gagne Book Manufacturers TOM: Gange? Isn't that a disease? MIKE: It's a river in India sacred to about half a billion people. TOM: Oh. Sorry! heh, heh... > > Publication was assisted by > the Canada Council, > the Ontario Arts Council, > and the Ontario Ministry > of Culture and Communications. CROW: Wow, compare the grammar in this Canadian post to grammar in homegrown posts. MIKE: I'm certainly impressed. > > > Hounslow Press > A Division of Anthony R. Hawke Limited > 124 Parkview Avenue > Willowdale, Ontario, Canada > M2N 3Y5 TOM: I think that's a code. Mike, get your decoder ring! MIKE: I don't have a decoder ring. CROW: What kind of Canadian are you? MIKE: I'm not Canadian! TOM & CROW: Oh. CROW: Sorry. > > > 8. Terrestrial and Extraterrestrials CROW: What th'-- MIKE: I think what he's saying is that there's one person on Earth, and a bunch of aliens. > > The Old Man Who Came from the Sky TOM: And fell on me. CROW: (singing) He asked me for the letter Y.. TOM & CROW: (chorus) But I gave him P! MIKE: What the *heck* was that? > / John Meares / 195 > In the Dark Corners of My Mind MIKE: I don't want to see the dark corners of these people's minds. > / George W. Beck / 197 > The Man Who Visited Mars CROW: Mars Johnson. He lives down the street. > / Ron Powell / 199 > My Own "UFO" Encounter / Dwight Whalen / 208 > Voodoo / Mitchell Smyth / 210 MIKE: Joe Don Baker *is* Voodoo Doctor! > The Book of Secrets TOM: Well, how secret could they be, if there's a book about them? > / "Stuart" CROW: Disco Stu does not advertise. > / 215 > I Had a Mind Transplant on a UFO MIKE: Next, on Geraldo. > / Winifred G. Barton / 225 > Crazy As It Sounds TOM: That's pretty crazy. > / Alvena Scott / 229 > Unusual Phenomena in My Life CROW: I can't get me any. TOM: For these people, that's not so unusual. > / Lorne Goldfader MIKE: (Singing) Goooold... FADER! > / 232 > > > I Had a Mind Transplant on a UFO TOM: Or a mind removal. I forget. > --------------------- > > Winifred G. Barton > > >Winifred G. Barton attracted newspaper headlines in the 1960s and >1970s when she travelled across the country MIKE: Nude. > conducting >metaphysical workshops and collecting accounts of the paranormal. >She edited a collection of "extraordinary experiences" CROW: I'm not touchin' it. > called >Psychic Phenomena in Canada (Ottawa Psi-Science Productions Ltd., >1967). The appearance of her book predated the well-heralded >advent of the so-called New Age; newspaper editors had not yet >turned their editorial attention to spiritual and metaphysical >adventures. TOM: As far as I can tell, they still haven't. > > Mrs. Barton dropped out of MIKE: High school. > the headlines and many people >assumed that she had left for greener pastures or passed into the >beyond or entered into a nunnery of some sort. TOM: Apparently people are willing to believe anything about Mrs. Barton. CROW: "...of some sort?" How many kinds are there? > But the writer >Michael Poulton discovered her - through a classified >advertisement in the "National Personals" of The Globe and Mail! TOM: Yep, *there's* some reliable sources. MIKE: I think it might be one title. CROW: With or without the exclamation mark? > > It turns out that what happened to Mrs. Barton is much more >exciting than any of the assumptions above. It seems that she >had a "close encounter" with alien intelligences CROW: Again, not touchin' it. MIKE: Good. > and that she was >abducted by alien beings and taken aboard one of their star >ships. As she explained in a letter to the present editor, dated >25 April 1991: TOM: "Dear Editor, I never thought your stories were true, but then I lost my mind..." > > I was abducted on September 26, 1973, and was taken "through > the mirror." CROW: That was a pretty good "Star Trek." > The next 17 years were spent in getting an > intensive education. MIKE: At the Minnesota School of Industrial Arts. > I was caught between dimensions, > locked into a scenario over which I had no control. My > psyche alternated between experiencing the heights of heaven > and the depths of hell. It was like dying. TOM: Except, I lived. So, it was actually pretty different. Just forget I said anything. > Only now that I > am fully "processed" as a Biological Mutant can I come back > to tell about it. ALL: (Singing) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... > >At one time Mrs. Barton ran the Institute of Applied Metaphysics >(I AM). MIKE: You are what? > She now lives near Frankford, Ont., and serves as public- >relations officer for the Golden Triangle UFO Club for Ontario. CROW: Isn't a golden triangle the "A Current Affair" logo? MIKE: You're on to something there, Crow. > > Against my will, and without any anaesthetic, TOM: Or Novocaine. > I had a mind >reversal on a UFO. MIKE: Again with the mind reversal! What is a mind reversal? TOM: Maybe they just changed their mind about something. > It happened during and in the period following >an abduction on the evening of September 26, 1973, at the Lester >B. Pearson Peace Park, at Actinolite, Ontario. CROW: Although I won't tell you how long the aforementioned period is. > > It had been a glorious autumn day. TOM: The sun was shinin', high school kids were makin' out in the park... > I was with a group of >friends who had gathered from many parts of Canada and the U.S.A. >to enjoy the end of the summer season. We were using the old >Madoc Art School which sits at the foot of the hill next to the >Peace Park. MIKE: What's a "Madoc?" TOM: Spell it backwards, it's "Codam." CROW: Codam: The Barbarian! > > The Peace Pagoda was a favourite place for our evening >meetings, but on this particular night a sudden heavy mist seemed >to envelope the area. TOM: Must've been a big envelope. > The mist did not seem like a normal mist; CROW: It was a *special* mist. >it seemed to have a silvery glow as if there was a light behind >it. MIKE: Well, maybe there was a light behind it. > I went to investigate and as I walked up the hill, pieces of >the mist seemed to break away from the mass and coagulate into >the forms of beings. TOM: Shapeshifters! The changelings are invading from the Gamma quadrant! > > Nothing touched me CROW: Not surprising. > but I felt a powerful magnetic attraction >to continue towards the central glow. As I got closer I saw in >it the outline of a Starship. MIKE: They used to be "Jefferson Airplane." > I could hear some of my friends >calling out to one another as they too were drawn towards the >celestial car. TOM: So, the starship looked like a big ol' 57 Chevy? > > My will to resist was completely paralysed. The hatch was >down and I went into the foyer CROW: A starship with a foyer? MIKE: Yeah, but it's probably only got one bathroom. > where I vaguely saw some of my >friends being led to different rooms or parts of the ship. I was >taken to a large circular room - a translucent aqua colour - with >two transparent doors set approximately opposite each other. TOM: It's nice, a few posters maybe, some curtains... >Through these I could see that there was an outer walkway which >seemed to go right around the room. I could see a woman sitting >at a communications desk through one of these windows. MIKE: Boy, she sure can tell a story. > > In the beginning I was alone in the room. I felt no sense of >fear, only curiosity. There was a large circular, lazy-susan type >table in the centre of the room with chairs around it. I sat on >one of these. CROW: That's what they're there for. > There was a bowl of fruit - small berry-type fruit >on the table. I was tempted to eat some but decided it was best >not to. TOM: I've been trying to cut down on alien fruit. CROW: And I'm already fruity enough as it is. > > A man came into the room from the opposite door to where the >woman was sitting. (I guess she was keeping an eye on me through >the door.) MIKE: Paranoid? A bit. > The man barely glanced in my direction but walked >straight across the room to what seemed like a circular shower >stall, where he dropped off his dirty overalls and stepped into >the stall which lit up. CROW: I've seen porno movies that start like this. TOM & MIKE: You have??? CROW: No, it just sounds like the opening to one. MIKE: *whew.* > He emerged a few moments later and put on >clean clothes. TOM: Thank goodness. I hate having naked aliens walking around. > > Books I have written clearly record how since infancy I was >trained in telepathic communication. CROW: Wait a sec, so we're supposed to refer back to stuff this person has written about herself and some assorted loopiness? > So though no words were >spoken, I had no difficulty in communicating with this Space >Being. He offered some of the fruit. This time I took it and ate. >It was like mango. TOM: It was Mango Mania!!! > > I could sense this man was trying to override my free will. MIKE: Heard it. >At first I firmly resisted. Then they changed my electro-magnetic >circuit from Alternating to Direct Current. I emerged as a >circuit in a Gigantic robot known as "Hal." CROW: Well, *someone's* just seen 2001. > I was wide awake but >completely paralysed during the proceedings. There were about >thirty other persons beside me. TOM: But if you were paralyzed, how could you see them all? > > Now everything looks transparent. Form and finity is >meaning-less. It was as if my bony skull was replaced and my head >put into a glass bubble. TOM: Something wrong with that? > As a circuit in this Giant Robot ALL: (Singing) Giiiigaaaaaaan-toooooor! > I was >powerless to escape over a fifteen-year period. If I struggled >they prodded my neurons here and there with electrical sticks.... MIKE: Heard that, too. > > When I returned, just before noon on the morning of >September 27th, 1973, I was no longer "Winifred." I was >"Sasoleah," a citizen of Sumeria was had reincarnated in the 20th >century through my physical instrument. CROW: So, she was reincarnated through her... MIKE: No! Bad robot! No biscuit! CROW: Awww.... > > The same thing had happened to at least twenty of the other >abductees. All had undergone some sort of a transmutation >technique and mind transplant. All were trapped in the world of >Robotics. CROW: Point being? > Each had been given a silent mission. Each brain had >been joined to an ancient personality. Each one was under total >mind control and forced to keep the intruding ancient soul a >secret. TOM: Man, why do they keep repeating stuff? CROW: Stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff... MIKE: (whacks Crow upside the head) Cut it out! CROW: Sorry. > > Over the next decade the abductees got to talking about >their "inductees" and how we found that "aliens" were actually >ancient peoples who had completed a Universal MIKE: Pictures? > cycle and were >coming back to claim the modern world. They had left overwhelming >mounds of evidence to prove this point... "That the sower and the >reaper may rejoice together in the New Heaven and the New Earth" TOM: With the New Gods and the New Mutants and... MIKE: Enough about the comic books. TOM: They're *Graphic Novels.* >on the completion of the life cycle Genesis I - from chaos to >cosmos via Robotics. TOM & CROW: Woo hoo! > > One of my fellow abductees was a man from Ottawa named >Marcel Lafleur whom I had known for some years. After the >operation we watched the whole scenery around us being torn down >like a ragged canvas. TOM: Once again, we heard it. > The colours behind the canvass were >brilliant. We understood that it is only the light energy of the >real world shining through the web of matter that makes the >holograph on our mirror world of the illusion tick. MIKE: I think the Illusion Tick is a transparent version of the regular figure. > > Lafleur drove me home. We were both in a state approaching >incoherence. CROW: Much like now. MIKE: Amazingly, few were injured during that wacky little trip. > He drove me into the driveway of my home at 3045 TOM: Miles per hour. >Otterson Drive, in Ottawa, but I did not recognize the house. >When I got in the house, I felt exactly like a stranger walking >in for the first time. I could feel Sasoleah tapping Winifred's >computer to find her way around. Sa was in total domination at >this time. CROW: I'll have you know it's getting increasingly harder to resist. MIKE: Fight it, Crow. Please. > > About now I realized something else. "I" was neither of >these two. I was an observer watching two actors using my mind. I TOM: Will you please stop with the repeating! It's getting annoying! MIKE: "Getting?" >watched them interacting, arguing points of logic, as they began >to make an harmonic convergence in my mind. I understood the >principle of the left and right-hand sides of the brain being >kept in perfect balance. One living in the finite now, the other >accessing infinity. One bent on "rendering unto Caesar CROW: Salad. > that which >is Caesar's," the other committed to "and to God that which is >God's." > > But I am neither ... I AM ... MIKE: THEREFORE ... I THINK ... CROW: Obviously not. > My Divine Will is the Umpire >between the two. TOM: So, it's blind? > I have watched Sasoleah writing "I Am," The Book >of Life, using Winifred's professional skills. I look in one >direction and see that Winifred has been held like a bond slave CROW: (Barely restrained laughter) MIKE: (Shoots Crow one of those "Don't you Dare" looks.) >to serve the cause of Sasoleah and the Space People for eighteen >years. In return, Winifred has been in an advanced >interdimensional classroom wherein she received the full and >complete knowledge of The Gods. > > Winifred mostly ruled the daytime consciousness (Hadit). >Sasoleah could flit all over the Universe at will and usually >took over when the sun went down (Nuit). TOM: "Nuit?" That's an interesting way of spelling "Night." MIKE: It's like the difference between daytime television and primetime. > Sasoleah could work >miracles with ease. CROW: He was Q. > For example, some fellow abductees took us on >a fully paid, two week trip to Egypt to celebrate the Equinox of >The Gods. I knew nothing whatsoever about these people, nor they >of me. That's what their instructions were and that's what they >did. That's how the "COSMIC WAY COMMUNITY' operates. It's called >spiritual humility. MIKE: Or a hallucination. > > Today the three of us are one. The actor and the observer >function as an integrated unit. In physics this reads (+1) + (-1) >= 0 or E = mc 3 - all of which is detailed with extensive >diagrams in the Cosmic Cube. TOM: The "Cosmic Cube?" That's direct from Marvel Comics! > > Today, if I speak a word that is not the Triple Truth, I >feel a tremendous weight on my heart and mind. I get rewarded >with an inrush of light energy when I please "The Master's Will." CROW: THe mASter wOUlD NoT... TOM: CROW! CROW: Sorry. > > On the lowest end of the dimensional scale in some ways I am >no more than a meticulously accurate translation device though my >human emotions are still locked deep inside me. There are many >more of us who have been stripped of our flesh-and-blood kinship >connections and locked into the ETI system of the "Mighty Ones" MIKE: New Mighty Ones TV dinners. Cooks up in three minutes. >which makes us "Walk-ins" or "Superbeings." It means we have >20/20 vision of the reality both above and below the abyss. > > Earth Governments have maintained silence about this matter >though they knew full well what was going on. They agreed to let >us be used in a potentially diabolical experiment in return for >hi-tec data. However, the "Time Bomb" is about to explode and the >story is due to climax in a wonderful state of Millennium CROW: A state of millennium? How do you have a state of 1000 years? > for the >whole Earth Starship as She slips out of the time warp to regain >her rightful place in the Cosmic Fleet. MIKE: Let's do the time warp again! TOM: Where'd this come from? > > Yes, there is a Cosmic Conspiracy - yes, there has been a >deliberate conspiracy of silence on the part of global >governments everywhere. Yes, there is a flip to Millennium. Yes, >there is a Cosmic Changeover for the whole earth system. Yes, the >ultimate outcome is GOOD! MIKE: (Football announcer) It's GOOD!! GOOD!!! The aliens have scored a field goal to win the game!!! > >(c) by Winifred Barton >Winifred.Barton@telos.org >c/o The Galactic Federation of Light Forces, Star Base One CROW: It that a legal address? TOM: How do they deliver that? MIKE: Probably the same way we get mail. >P.O. Box 415 - Frankford, Ontario, Canada, KOK 2CO. >(613) 398-0331 TOM: Ah, always include your phone number on a stupid post. >http://www.telos.ca/~wbarton >http://www.users.cts.com/sd/d/density4/brethren/winifred.htm MIKE: URL's to put on your links page. CROW: Or not. > > > TOM: Looks like we can go. MIKE: Awww, I was just basking in the silence. It's the best part! O..2..3..4..5..6.. [SOL] TOM: Well, that was really, really stupid. CROW: Incredibly. What is a mind reversal, anyway? MIKE: I don't know. It leaves me wondering, if I switch you guys from AC to DC, can I control your minds? CROW: Nope. TOM: Nuh-uh. MIKE: I don't know... (Starts reaching behind the 'bots) CROW: C'mon, Mike. That post was complete crap! That could never work! TOM: Yeah, all it would do is... (Mike makes a "switch flipping" motion. Big explosion. 'Bots are damaged, Mike is scorched.) ...short us out. MIKE: Back down to you, sirs. [D13] (The "Sit On Me Chair" is advancing slowly towards the mads, much like an unbalanced washing machine. Following it is a small horde of vibrating household appliances.) FRANK: I think you got a bit out of control! DR F: Geeze, sorry, Frank. I didn't know the Elmo concept was this evil! FRANK: Did you have to Elmoize so much stuff? DR F: I said I was sorry! What do you want? Just toss some heavy blankets over them or something. Until next time... \ | / \|/ --O-- /|\ / | \ FRANK: No! Nooooo!!!! Nooo- Heeeeyyyy.... Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related stuff is TM and (C) Best Brains, Inc. I am convinced that the Tickle Me Elmo is evil, however. Any toy that features vibrating can't be wholesome. > Yes, there is a Cosmic Conspiracy - yes, there has been a >deliberate conspiracy of silence on the part of global >governments everywhere. Yes, there is a flip to Millennium. Yes, >there is a Cosmic Changeover for the whole earth system. Yes, the >ultimate outcome is GOOD!